How I, President Donald J. Trump, spent my summer
This summer has gone really well for me. Between a once in a 500 year flood in Texas, the tough talk with North Korea and John McCain letting me down on healthcare, it’s all going well. And let’s not forget the rallies. Let me tell you that one in Phoenix was a real barn-burner. We had thousands and thousands of people to see me. Believe me, that wall will be built. Did you see how they chanted, “Build That Wall?” It’s as if they knew right on cue when to start, as if they’d seen this before.
Anyway, the news media is just dishonest – very fake. Honestly, all they care about is Russia. For the 500th time, I promise, I have no dealings there, no debts there. I have nothing to hide. And that email from my friend Felix Sater that says “Re: Trump/Putin.” That’s all just a misunderstanding. He was kidding about getting me elected. Felix, he’s a good friend, but he jokes too much sometimes. That guy, he’s real reliable though. If you ever need a partner in collusion, he’s a top choice.
Honestly, the saddest thing I had to do this summer was see some of my friends leave the White House. Sean Spicer – what a guy. He was so good at his job, the sad “Saturday Night Live” cast tried to do an impression of him. And Anthony Scarmucci – well, you know what they say, the brightest candle burns out fastest. I mean he really livened up the place the 10 days he was there. I really wish that he didn’t say that whole thing about my advisor Steve Bannon. Us New York guys have to stick together but I can’t defend that “New York Magazine” article.
Speaking of Steve Bannon, you know, I don’t get the media. What did they want me to say about Charlottesville? Did they want me to condemn Nazis? Sure, they’re bad people, but not all the people at the Unite the Right protest were Nazis. Torches and flags don’t equal a Nazi, ok? I’m just trying to be fair, we got to hear all sides here. Those people, the good people, they’re my constituents. I have a responsibility to them to drain the swamp. Even if draining the swamp means draining the Secret Service budget too.
The best way to drain the swamp in my years of experience in government – Twitter. Believe me, it’s the best way to suggest policy, pressure congressional members into getting my way, and overall getting things done in Washington. That healthcare bill would have been a huge step in making America great again, but John McCain had to go and vote no. So what if the Congressional Budget Office said more than 32 million people would lose their insurance. I’m an expert, believe me. What do they know?
You know, the way the media talks about me, you’d think I’d never made policy before, or that I’m incapable of empathy. That’s fake news, a sad attempt by the elites to make fun of my voters. I do care about the people in Houston. But the size of that storm, wow! It was huge, and flooded bigly, and no one has ever seen anything like this. But believe me, we’re going to come up with solutions and we will fix this.
The thing this summer that has been bothering me the most is this guy Kim Jong-Un. Like who does he think he is? Does he not know that I’m Donald Trump, I came up with the “Art of the Deal.” What has he done? So what that he has rogue nuclear weapons and continues to test them near Japan and the Korean Sea? I’ll go toe to toe with anyone, I’m not afraid of him. If he wants to saber-rattle, I’m right there with him. I wasn’t kidding, we will meet him with fire and fury like the world has never seen.
Sad, but General Kelly is taking my phone away for the night.
Until next time,
Commander (poser)- in Chief
Donald J. Trump
*No reporters were harmed in the making of this piece. This is satire and the writer doesn’t condone any views of the president*