by Oh, the weather outside is… eh, who cares?
After sharing gratitude for loved ones over turkey carcasses and Aunt Carol’s drunken political
rants, Americans rejoice over super discounts to combat their economical struggles. As they creep
between a sea of squeaky-wheeled shopping carts, they direct their attention away from the elderly
lady smacking the bald man with her purse as he grips the last pack of novelty socks.
Just when you revisit your declining faith in humanity, there’s no need for fear because Christmas is
right around the corner. As you fill your cabinets with ramen noodles to buy soon-to- be tragically-
wrapped presents for your boss after being late the past three shifts, you can relax with your screaming
nephews and cats that live to smash your childhood ornaments.
Under the repetition of Wham’s version of “Last Christmas,” you wonder if it can get any worse. It can.
The only saving grace is Jingle All the Way and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s quest for the elusive Turbo Man
doll. “It’s Turbo Time,” you say, wishing he would fly into your parents’ living room and punch your lights
out.
Soon, there will be a feast and you will have the opportunity to drown out the nagging of your relatives
for you to marry. You know quite well that you’d never subject another to this holiday hellhole. Maybe
that’s why Old Saint Nick spends the entire Christmas Eve sneaking into strangers’ homes to eat their
snacks. Anything to get away from family for a single moment.
“Santa isn’t real,” your uncle’s stepson says.
You realize you have been muttering each thought to yourself after inhaling too much of the artificial
pine spray doused over the plastic tree. After all, fake trees don’t require water or shed needles on the
floor. A tree doesn’t need to die for tradition. You’re dead enough inside for the both of you.
Keep hanging on, my friends. As you ho-ho- hoard your final shred of dignity in your matching ugly
sweaters, it will be a passing nightmare plastered in a family photo album. Yule be OK.
Side panel:
7 Christmas survival tips:
1) If you eat too much, you can sleep through the break.
2) Start an argument by saying Adam Sandler was in A Christmas Story.
3) Convince drunk Aunt Carol that Vixen’s name is Nixon.
4) Christmas carol hits from the early 2000s.
5) Listen to White Christmas while admiring your green, plush lawn.
6) There are no survival tips.
7) Good luck.
